my feelings..

what i feel now is more hurting compare to 50/50 patient. All i wanna do is to flood my room with tears. what he did is pain to the point that my muscles shivered and tears fell unexpectedly. Find a child who tries to control his tears. that’s what i look now. ..i do want changes, i know that im much stronger and im tired and would never cry for nothing. but my eyes didn’t cooperate and tears flow involuntary.

honestly, i cant breathe normally and i cant smell the fragrance of tissue but wait i have to stop crying, my mom would prolly hear my agony. ….okay let’s go back and ill use comfortable mediums cos surely,  it would lead to wrong grammars.

hy pano ko ba sisimulan? Okay. the history is from jealousy. I love him. yea i really love him and i will never do anything for him if i dont love him aright? but i understand if he cant love me back..if he loves another girl. but what im asking from the very beginning is ”PANGINTINDI” hes too selfish. he didnt think what others may feel.  he hurts me intensionally all the time. Didnt he aware that im still loving him? buguk! ano ka? taong frinizer ng ilang taon kya namanhid na? sgro ganun nga so why dont you try to burn in hell?

pababaw ng pababaw ang mga pinagtatalunan. pati ba naman ang mga Arabs, pagaawayan pa? heck! Pagawa ba naman saken ang project ng ano nya! hoo!! duh? e kung project ko nga di ko magawagawa tas yung sakanya pa?! di pala nya kyang magresearch edi sna tumanggi sya!! nagmamagaling pa kase!

at hindi ko maintindihan sa sarili ko e kung bakit nagpapakatanga padin ako skanya? bakit magpapakulong ang isang taong ayaw naman syang igapos ng pulis? gets nyo? bkit ko pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw naman ako?

humingi pa naman ako ng favor sa ate ko na hwag munang iunplug ang internet connection so i can chat him longer..tapos bigla nalan syang aalis? the heck!! or i say, bigla nalang syang magiinvisible. yea. alam kong nakainvisble sya. the reason why i have boiling head now. ugh! sige lang..hoo!!

im getting cool now..and my writing’s getting corny surely. basta i hate him. i would no longer do the usual thingy. i wont ask for apologi and maybe it will now take billions of time to give forgiveness or never. pride kung pride, marami ako nyan.

REEDIT: nakakaasar! wala naman pala ‘kong dapat ikagalit. hay. hindi xa naginvi. nagloko lang ang ym. hmp

Magkaybigan kayo na nagpapalitan ng advices sa isa’t isa. Ang isa’y advice tungkol sa relasyong palaging may bangayan. Ang isa nama’y humihingi ng advice tungkol sa lalaking mahal nia ngunit may mahal namang iba. In short, parehong sawi sa magkaibang dahilan.
Sya ang palagi mong kausap, kaaway, kaasaran, kabarahan, katawanan, kakultan maghapon at magdamag kaya naman pati girlfriend nia’y nagawa nyang magselos. Nachismis narin na kayo’y ‘mag on’ ngunit binalewala nyo lang pagkat alam nyong magkaybigan lang kayo.
Dumating din sa araw na kayo’y nagkatampuhan ng ilang araw kaya’t di kayo naguusap na naging dahilan ng pagkamiss nyo sa isa’t isa. Di nyo na matiis ang limang araw kaya naman nakipagbati na sya sayo. Sa araw din ng pagbabati nyo’y bigla nalang nag-iba ang aura ng pagkakaibigan ninyo.
Ang dating away, asaran, pambabara, pangungulit ay napalitan ng mga matatamis na linyang “ILOVEYOU…” “IMISSYOU…” na datiy hindi nyo naman sinasabi sa isa’t isa. Ang ”be right back” at ”im here” ay napalitan ng ”be right back muah” at ”muah”. oh diba nakakakilig? gustong gusto mo naman.. Kala mo boyfriend mo na sya? ASA KA!! Bat ganun ang nangyari? Yan tuloy, nabuo yung confusing feelin mo at LOVE ang naproduced. Pero di bale mahal ka din naman nya e. - sabi nya. Kaso, mahal mo sya, mahal ka daw nya pero may girlfriend naman syang iba. NYAY. pano yun? Ayun! pinagusapan na MU lang kayo para walang breakup at itatago nyo kung ano man ang namumuo sa inyong dalawa.
Sa una palang, alam mong ang kasweetan nya’y di magtatagal pero di mo naiwasan, nainlove ka ng sobra sobra dahil sa pinapakita at pinapadama nya sayo. Kaya naman sinulit mo ang bawat araw na kasama mo sya, kausap mo sya, at lahat lahat na maiiwan na memories kasama sya. Sya nalang lagi ang nasa isip mo, saya nalang ang bukambibig mo at pati sa panaginip moy dinadala mo sya.
Sa ayaw mo man at sa gusto, nangyari nga ang inaasahan mo..Natuklasan mo ang mga bagay na naging dahilan ng pagiyak mo. Sa di inaasahan, nakilala mo ang babae na pareho kayo ng experience tungkol sa love dahil pareho kayong confuse sa isang lalaki. Ngayon pala’y iisa lang din ang lalaking nagpapaconfuse sa inyo. oh diba maiiyak ka nun?
Ano namang mararamdaman mo kung malaman mo na ang tawag nya sayong ’sunshine’ ay tawag nya din dati sa knyang xgf? Syempre iisipin mo nun na hindi lang ikaw at ang x nia ang tinatawag nyang ganun. hindi ba?
Heto pa! Nakausap mo isang kaybigan mo at napagusapan nyong ihahanap mo sya ng boyfriend, at ihahanap karin nya. Ngayon pala, gusto nyang ilakad mo pa sya sa taong mahal mo. nakakainis diba? pero ang mas nakakainis pa dun ay ang mahal mo, at sya ay nagkakaroon na pala ng something sa isa’t isa na dumating pa sa pagkakataon na nainlove na sila sa isat isa. HECK.
Ayun, bigla nalang nawala yung dating sweetness nyo. Kala ko ba na kapag MU kyo e walang breakup? e bat bigla nalang kayong natapos? Ang pinaka malala pa dun ay nanligaw nalang sya bigla sa ibang babae ng hindi man lang nya tinuldukan ung MU nyo. Kaya tuloy ayan ka..umiiyak iyak kase naguguluhan ka..At syempre iisipin mo narin nun na niloko ka lang nya. Kulang nalang ay magsuicide ka na dahil sa ginawa nya.
At ngayon naman, nagpapanggap panggap ka dyan na tanggap mo na ang lahat. Okay lang sayo na may gf na sya, na may mahal syang iba..Pinapakita mo sa kanya na wala ka ng nararamdamang kakaiba sa kanya. Dahil kumbinsido ka ng hindi na mauulit ang dati. Pero deep inside ay mahal na mahal mo parin sya. Natural! patay na patay ka parin hanggang ngayon sa kanya e..Sya parin ang iniisip mo parati hanggang ngayon. Pero diba andaya nun? Mahal mo sya pero..iba naman ang kinakahumaling ng puso nya.. =c

my second day was not that good because of my friend. ops i guess shes not a friend anymore. isn’t she annoying if she revealed those secrets i have told her? definitely, it will annoy you too. i wont regret to lost a friend for the first time especially if she doesn’t deserve my trust!

lets stop the annoyance. but well somehow, it’s fun! especially i miss my classmates and i met my new classmates and profs.

at break time, we went to ”little boss canteen” to eat lunch. i was surprised when the SNA student players were eating too at the same place. so, i talk to them while walking so i didn’t notice the stairs lol what happened next? - i fell on the ground aha shame on me lol. but i stand up like there’s nothing happened and i look at them, and we all laughed. lol

what more? hmm? when im home, someone gave some annoyance too! ugh he asked me to wait him so i waited him for 33 minutes. right after, all he said was, okay im going to sleep. [then sign out] whats that mean? i waited him for nothing! i just want to punch his face that time! only if i can, i would really do it!

i want to ruin the world that time! ugh

nov four actually’s the first day high in UA. but shean and i decided to skip classes just to watch the aasp meet. it was held in Saint Nichols Academy. it happens only n a blue moon so we grab the chance lol. there’s a cheer dance competition, some of them are graceful but UA took home the bacon, next to them is SNA, and SCA got the third place.

it makes my day complete when i saw my…yea aha lol my crusssh ooh..ops! keep quiet lol i call him ”brad” but he doesnt know that i call him brad. lol maybe just a screen name to protect him from gossip lovers! ooh whoa and my bestfriend shey, named him ”papaets”-a screen name too. He’s with his friends that time, or I say our friends. but too sad, we haven’t talk for sooo long so the rumor makers will not get an idea about our history :p

i enjoyed the event not because of my man, but its because of my former schoolmates in SNA. [johnpaul, narrel,marjoh,nikki,sarrah, and our school service, koyang jing] we finished the event with lots of fun. maybe because we really miss each other..aww i miss them again.

i committed many nice and amazing experiences also..like? when im with my former classmates and scholmates. one cute guy is trying to know my digits. ohmygosh! but of course, i need to act like a maria clara then so i didn’t gve it. but i gave my fs e-add haha lol so now im waiting him to add me up!

next scene was, when im with marjo and her shake[bf] i saw a guy who was staring at me. as in ‘titig na titig’ lol that make me stare at him too. and then, 1., 2, 3, then i started to laugh at him because he’s too serious in staring at me. and he laughed at me too. then i look at marjoh and she asked him, “what happened?” but i just say nothing. when i look in a mirror, i was surprised because i saw his reflection and he’s still staring at me. the heck i duno whats wrong with him or with me. lol

then i just decided to escape there and go back to my classmates. when im with them again, i noticed those six or seven students who were looking at me again, and then they asked, “ate ikaw yung no.14?” my picture was posted in a tarpouline because i joined the Ms. SNA pageant. lol big shame! aha i said “yess..” with a thizz face lol then few minutes after, someone confronted me and say, “ate papicture” i replied, ‘’sure” i get my cam so i can take them a picture but then they said, ”hindi ate, ikaw pipicturan namen” i said to myself, ”wow! what’s these??why they treat me as an actress?” they take me some pictures with them. and maybe they make my dream come true lol -to act like an actress aha [day dream]

there’s also a commercial break happened that time. someone is angry to marjoh because of her boyfriend. and they say, she’s angry because she still loves marjo’s boyfriend. what the??? i got a little bit turned off to that girl because i know that someone has her heart. but ugh..super complicated. all i can say now is she’s not satisfied in one guy. the heck! why dont she give me some? but still, marjo and that girl are my both friends. i must be fair for both of them. wink lol

ahm? maybe that’s the end lol. what more can i say? ahm..i think imma hit the bed now..im kinda tired and mad!!! ugh it sucks!!

i dunno if youll be helpful into my life
or can be  dangerous like a knife
are you letting me to know the purpose of my heart?
or i say to discover how love can truly hurt.

sometimes you treat me as your princess
but sometimes you make me feel so useless
into your life, you showed how much im important
but there are times that im treated as your servant

kindly help me.. im getting curious
pls help me.. im so confused
i really dont know where i should be
continue to love you, wouldnt or would be?

my mind tells that you just used me.
but you know what my heart tells? you abused me.
can you prove my mind and heart wrong?
or would simply sing their song

ngayon ko lang naranasang mahalin ng naiisa lang
sya’y kasama prin san mang pagsubok isalang
para sakin, kahit ano’y kaya niang isaalang-alang
pinagsisigawang ako’y kniang mahal ng di naiilang

may sumpaang habambuhay kaming dalwa’y masaya
“I do” ang sagot habang suot ang barong at suot ko nma’y saya
mga pangako nia’y lahat natutupad
nang wala man lang kakupad-kupad

ang saya pag sa publema kami’y magkaramay
mga nakakakilig na pasikretong hawakang kamay
at mga makapigil hiningang mahigpit na pag-akbay
na para bang sa paraiso kami’y naglalakbay..

ngayon ko lang naramdaman ang mahalin ng ganito
kaya masasabi kong ako na talga’y kuntento
dito natagpuan ang pagmamahal na muntikan ko pang ika-inip
kaya naman,, maraming salamat sayo..PANGARAP AT PANAGiNiiP.. =c

dati pagmamahal nati’y singpino ng buhangin
ngunit unti-unting nwala sa ihip ng hangin
ang mahalin ka kse’y prang sa bangin ako’y nakahanging
pagkat real love mo’y napakahirap hingin.

pero sana, iyo tong malaman
dito sa puso ko’y ikaw parin ang laman
ang nakakuha sa pagmamahal ko’y wala man
dahil ikaw! ikaw ang pinapangarap kong maging man

bakit nga ba hnggang ngayo’y mahal pa kita?
anong bagay ang di ko malimot na sakin mo napakita?
mga matatamis at mabubulaklak mong salita
na patuloy na nagpapahina saking tuhod ant hita

sa buhay ko’y marami kan nabigyang diin
kya siguro gang ngayo’y ikaw padin
at kung pangarap kong mahalin mo’y iyong tutuparin
pagmamahal ko’y hinding hindi ko titipirin

we’ve been friends before
then we started to ask for more.
and having you is like im tickled by a fur
so what can i ask for?

i love it when we’re playing
when i cnt be with you, it’s like im dying
because you’re the one who can give my smile
i dont want to be without you even for a while

in a battle i thought that i already won
because you showed that im your only one
and i believe that you love me too
but i discovered, your girls are more than two.

i feel how much you care
to comfort me, you’re always there
and sweetness are always high
but omg all were just a lie..

DI NA PWEDi ANG DATi

those sweet moments we made
lahat ay bigla ng nagfade
kaya ngayun ay puro nlang nagrereminisce
at mnsan dba ito na’y nakakainis

d na uubra sa santong dasalan
khit idaan mo pa sa santong paspasan
kahit na ilang kupido ang yong kulitin
kilig moments ay d na pweding ulitin

puro na tyo away wala ng bati
hindi na pweding ibalik ang dati
ang dati nting kasweetan
ngayon ay puro nalang kasungitan

ngunit kelangan ko ng maging kuntento
dahil sa pagmamahal ako’y natuto
kung di man ntin maibabalik ang noon
atleast ay naging masaya ako sa piling mo kahapon.
:c

s twing nkikita kong kamay nia’y haplos
nasasaktan ako na pra mong hinambalos
nagagalit ako dahil ako’y nalost
ngunit wla naman akong karapatan para magselos

masakit kase di kita pagmamay-ari
di ko kontrolado ang pweding mangyare
khit nsasaktan ay dpat magkunware
para wala ng mabago sa mga pangyayare

gusto ko snang ibigay pagmamahal mong kailangan
di nman pwedi dahil baka tayo magka-ilangan
ang aminin ang nraramdaman ko ako’y alangan
dahil ang mging reaksyon mo’y mahirap mahulaan